Trust? Karma? Why?


  • Why is it so hard for me to trust someone? I usually am able to get comfortable with them, let my guard down, but automatically put it back up and shutdown when I see/hear/or think something is happening. Of course its unintentionally, however, why am I always being suspicious of something? I can really destroy a good home that was destined for me. 
  • I look back at my past relationships and accepted the fact that I wasn’t SHXT. I was not comfortable enough to be emotional or trust in others. I made them feel unwanted, unappreciated, and possibly unloved. I was selfish and only cared about things that benefitted me. When being asked about my past relationships and how did they fail, I simply said lack of communication. The lack of communication was my fault- along with a lot more issues. PDA (public display of affection),  physical, mental, and emotional support, and another was spiritual support. 
  • I will discuss those soon but spiritual support is what, I feel, needs to be explained. My religious views have slowly changed overtime- due to me questioning it and wanting to understand its existence. Some people put so much faith in something and I feel that they are blindly following any and everything that is not good for them. I fell on people’s bad side, because I was uninterested in attending church. At first, I use to go all the time- was in the choir, performed skits, and participated effortlessly. I started questioning it because i wanted to know how its foundation was created and why are so many people criticized for not believing in the same things as others. Overall, I stayed away from the religious fanatics because you cannot persuade them on you just staying neutral, when it comes to religion. Being a positive person and doing positive things seems to not satisfy some people.
  • Now, physical, mental, and emotional support seems like an ok topic for me. If anyone had a conversation with my mother, she would say I was a cry baby. As I start to grow up, I was quiet, stayed to myself, and just focused on myself. These traits followed me all the way to college. Of course, I had made strong bonds with people I call my brothers and best friends but I was still the guy I have always been. In one of my past relationships, I barely showed any emotions because I felt that it would be considered weak. I did not express how I felt because 1) I was always angry or annoyed at the little things and 2) It seemed like I cannot handle something. When not showing emotions or expressing yourself, people cannot read you like they normally do others and they cannot hurt you, if they do not know what triggers you. Of course this is a bad way to look at it and very unhealthy however, this was what I was use to. Physical and mental support goes hand-in-hand to me. Showing up at a specific place to support your partner in whatever they were proud of doing-whether it was a ceremony for work, sports, or poetry- was always necessary. That physical support would then help them mentally by letting them know you care for them. If not in a public setting, visiting your partner at their home, without expecting you two to engage in sexual intercourse, would be great as well. They just need someone to vent to and feel comfortable around and that was a job I failed at. PDA was something I didn’t like either. I tend to keep my business private-not for no extreme secret but for the pleasure of not letting people in my business. In this generation, people put their business all on social media. That includes what they are doing, who they are doing it with, pictures, unnecessary videos, and even arguments that they get into. What annoys me is that, SOME females would do all of that stuff with their “dude” and, 2 months down the road, switch up and have a new dude while saying the same thing smh. In my relationships, I just wanted my partner to know that they are not a secret. As long as my family and friends know who you are, I do not want nor need other people knowing things about us.
  • The weird title I have is called Trust? Karma? Why?. I am still on the topic of trust. After the support, trust was a main priority in both of our eyes. I want to trust her and vice versa. In doing so, you inform them on any and everything that you feel they may not understand or like. The only trouble I usually get blamed for is when I talk about my best friends. I have multiple friends and discuss my relationship with them to my partner. I do this because I do not want to cause any confusion down the road. Surprisingly, there is still issues about them. I was told that i was not trusted and that I was messing with my best friends. I was told this more than once; or asked if I ever slept with them. If you know the type of person I am when reading this, you would know that I am letting my guard down and getting comfortable with them. All of a sudden, my guard is back up because I am not trusted. I also lacked the communication skill to correctly discuss this issue and therefore I shutdown. If you cannot trust me, I cannot trust you. Everything you do will be suspicious to me and will only raise red flags on why I am not trusted. Are you doing something behind my back? Did you ever trust me? These are simple questions that are thought of. For you not to trust me, you are doing something behind my back.
  • KARMA IS A BITCH! Its an universal rule that karma will come back to bite you in the ass. So if you accept the fact that you made mistakes in the past and are moving forward with bettering yourself so you can prevent those issues in the future, then why does karma still come into play? I believe you are made to feel the pain, stress, sadness, and frustration you placed upon your past partners so you can understand the type of ‘hurt’ they went through. In my life now, I believe I have matured and became a great person who goes above and beyond my limits to make the one I cares about happy. Whether its physically, emotionally, mentally, and even financially, I am doing more than I can handle but I am making it happen. Its happening because I do not want to make excuses about not doing anything; I want them to know where my heart is; and most importantly, I am not trying to start all over. When investing so much time and energy into something, you do not want it to go to waste. The downside of all of this is that I feel karma has finally arrived to serve me my plate of heartaches. From the lack of communication to feeling unwanted and even not trusting them, I feel like this is a challenge that I need to face and overcome. As easy as it sounds, I am beyond frustrated and confused. I do not like the way things look or sound like. I try to give it the benefit of the doubt however, the trust and gut feelings I have forces me to rethink those ideas. It hurts to imagine the things I feel and also want to communicate my feelings but I doubt I will believe the confirmation that they give me. I hear things, see body language, and even ask questions leading around what I want to know. I observe everything they say or do when it comes to things I want to know most about. This makes me mad because I am tired of feeling this way. 
  • Another universal issue that is believed to be a problem is the lack of sex. In the past, I was turned off from having sex with my partner, because of the constant arguing. There are some people who think make up sex is great but I digress. I cannot get aroused after the yelling and insecurities that are presented when having a personal issue. In the present, I have not had sex with my partner in a while. Also, I am unfortunately waking up late at night to overhear the conversation they are having with someone on the phone. I would easily ignore it and go back to sleep however, the tone they have and the things they say makes me question every little ounce of loyalty they may or may not have. Feeling unwanted, neglected, and unappreciated throughout the times has only caused me to hone in on this distrust attitude. When I hear them talk on the phone, it sounds so seductive and, I immediately get angry. Anger is caused because I don’t see myself getting this type of energy. It frustrates me so bad because I do not want to be in an unhealthy relationship. I do so much in it, that I do not want to receive negative information that my spouse is cheating on me. Then again, what am I getting riled up for? This should be the answer that I seek- the reason I have been feeling this way.
  • I have a slight belief that they can be attracted to the same sex. The person I believe they talk to on the phone around midnight, all the time, is their neighborhood friend. I probably met their friend once and I will never trust them. I will not trust them because 1) I do not know them personally 2) my significant other and their friend always spends the night over the friend’s significant other’s place and 3) their friend apparently is asexual. For someone to not really be attracted to anyone, they sure do have emotional and flirtatious conversations on the phone late at night. Also, having a significant other you are not really attracted to is really questionable. My spouse told me that they stay over there when their friend’s significant other is not around but why would I believe that? Why would I take something at face value, when the things I hear sound totally different? I tried my best to communicate however, telling your spouse that you don’t trust their friends is just like telling your spouse you don’t trust them hanging out with their friends. 
  • Debates have happened numerous of times but of each topic. I would have thought the conversations would fix a lot of these issues altogether but things take time, I guess. Why are my insecurities destroying me like this? If I am doing what I believe is right, why do I feel like things are still going wrong?
  • This story is to inform those that may be dealing with a similar problem. Not giving out advice however, just find a better approach or solution than I have. Overthinking and assuming can destroy something so precious. Also, being careless and nonchalant can lead to confusion and distraught.